No one there
by matshlash
Summary: Songfic, based on the song by Sentenced.


_The axe, the bottle and the rope  
The feeling there really is no more hope  
The thought of the great unknown  
And facing it alone_

He was hitting the axe to the log so hard that there was really nothing left. After the tenth time he finally gave up. Letting his anger out with something so simple as chopping wood should help him, but it didn't. All he could see was her face. The look she gave him. His hand, sore and swollen. Her face, angry red and glowing. And she couldn't even cry in front of him. He hated himself. He swore to himself never to do anything like he did few moments ago. Yet he did it. She didn't even push him that hard. Was he really becoming his father? Bitter and scared, only finding himself real man when he had the power over someone else. The someone else who you were supposed to protect and love, give strength, not take it.

He looked at his hand. It was shaking so hard, that he had problems to concentrate looking at it. What he saw finally in the dim light scared him so much. He had terrible feeling that his hand wasn't half as bad as her face. He wanted to cry, scream, do what ever to make it alright again. This time he didn't think there was any more hope.

_The dark, the silent and the cold  
The feeling I have come to the end of my road  
Yes, these are the things I spend  
My remaining moments with_

She was sitting on a ledge, above the sea, looking in the darkness. Crying salty tears, she let them fall down all the way to the ocean. She tried to control her breathing but it was no use, she only started to cry more. She couldn't shake the horrible memories out of her head, no matter how hard she tried. Everything was grey and ugly. Even the sea wasn't like it used to be anymore. It wasn't clear and blue, warm and calming. It was dark, cold and made her feel sick. The only way she found the ocean beautiful was the fact that it was dangerous. She could see herself running into the cold and forceful water that felt no mercy, kicking and moving until all her energy was drained out of her before she could finally close her eyes and powerlessly sink into the depths. Then it'd be all over.

The wind was blowing hard, her hair was tangled around her face, glued with her tears. She didn't feel worth living. Looking down into the surge she wanted to be brave enough to take the jump. But she wasn't brave. She was a coward, always running and trying to get away from the responsibility.

_  
And the wind blows through my heart  
Shivers me one last time  
As I now reach out in the dark  
No one there_

As hard as he tried to think, he couldn't remember what caused him to do such thing. He remembered screaming at her until the point where words just weren't enough anymore. He lost it all and raised his hand without warning and hit her. Hit her so hard. He felt the tears forming in his eyes and his stomach starting to get ready to throw up as he remembered the sickening thud his fist made when it slammed in to her face. Her beautiful face, the freckles he adored, the eyes he loved, the soft lips he wanted to kiss. The look in her eyes. The blood on her sliced lip. The shock she was in. Apparently she didn't believe he was capable of doing something like that. He knew better all the time. He tried, oh fck he tried so hard make it work, not to lose his patience with her. They were just so different, yet so much the same.

He wanted to talk things straight. There was really nothing to talk about, she wasn't going to take him back. He knew she wasn't stupid. Stupid enough to try with him though. He didn't even want her back. He didn't want to hurt her anymore. But god did he want to kiss her, hold her close, make love to her, not like their last time, forced and painful. It was dawning on him that it could never happen again.

_  
Why did it have to be so hard  
For us to live our lives  
Again I reach out in the dark in despair_

She felt like her whole head was going to explode. It wasn't just the horrible aching in her skull, it was the thoughts. Why would he do that? It was just hours before it all happened when he told her he loved her. Then he just changed in a heart beat. Not that loving Sawyer she knew, that monster she never imagined he had inside of him. The things he said hurt the most. Not the forced sex or the hitting. The words. They went so much deeper than his fist or his thrusting groin. She felt so unpure and she just couldn't imagine what happened that made him that way.

She loved him so much and believed that he loved her also. All that time spent together couldn't be meaninless to him, She refused to even think so. They were so happy and content and she felt so stupid believing that it'd last. Everything good has to end at some point.

_The desperation and the snow  
The feeling of finally coming back home  
The melancholy and the hole in the soil so hard and cold_

He was shivering. He wasn't sure if it was from the wind or seeing her on the ledge, looking crushed. Frankly he didn't even care. She looked so broken and he knew it was all his fault. He had destroyed something so beautiful, something that only he was entitled to see. He had no words. It was pointless to even dream that one lame sorry would make it all go away.

_  
Why did it have to be so hard  
For us to live our lives  
Again I reach out in the dark in despair_

"I hear you," she stated not turning to see him. He felt ill. He didn't know what to say. He just wanted to hug her and tell her everything was gonna be ok, like so many times. The difference was that he was the one causing the problem now. Or the way it seems, there was no problem. They were not an item anymore. He could only blame himself and when it came to blaming himself he was the king.

Few minutes went by and he didn't dare to move. He thought that if he'd move, she would disappear. When she didn't say a thing, he did what he knew best, make a stupid remark.

"I can't see you," he tried but regretted it instantly.

"Now you can see me, happy?" She asked with tired but accusing voice. She looked horrible. She wasn't the Kate he knew. Her face was already bruising, her eye swollen almost shut, her lip was still bleeding, probably because of the salty tears she had been sharing with the dark ocean below. Her cheek was red and she looked sad. The life in her eyes was dead, replaced by nothing. His heart almost stopped beating. No, that wasn't the Kate he knew. It was the Kate he made.

_  
And the wind blows through my heart  
Shivers me one last time  
As I now reach out in the dark  
No one there_

She hated the way he looked at her. Regret in his eyes. She wanted to run to him and kiss him deeply, forgive all. She couldn't. She wasn't gonna end up like her mother. Never. There was no way go back, she realized and it hit her so hard. She tried to breathe, but couldn't and started coughing. Next thing she knew he was beside her, his big hand resting on her back, trying to calm her down. His hand felt so good, so right.

"Don't," she sad quickly. Unlike usual he took his hand away as if it was on fire when touching her. He stepped further but kept staring at her. She definetely saw how sorry he was, but it wasn't going to change a thing.

She could see him on top of her, rocking against her, eyes locked with hers. She could taste his wet mouth and smooth, salty skin. Feel his perfect body around her, her fingertips lingering on his soft back before gently or not so gently stroking his light hair. She could hear him whispering her name, her real name in her ear before nibbing and kissing her earlobe just a moment before the heavenly release. She could sense him wanting to cuddle afterwards, and they did. Kissing and caressing each other, not wanting to end it. But now, she knew it was never going to be like that again.

"I..." he tried to say something, anything. Nothing came out. The way they looked at each other said it all.

_Your love for me, my love for you  
Things we somehow managed to lose  
Now there's only the ruthless wind  
To blow right through_

He was sorry. He was so fcking sorry. Just looking at her in that state made him want to jump off the ledge. He tried to ask her something, something important, but he couldn't form the words. He saw her looking at him and it pained so much to see that still, after the terrible things he did to her, she still understood.

"Maybe someday," she said quietly. They both knew it was a lie.

_  
It freezes my heart, my desperate heart  
It freezes my heart, my desperate heart  
It freezes my heart, my desperate heart  
To think we both will die alone_

She turned back to look at the sea, the beautiful sea, that was calling her. She heard Sawyer leave and she looked to the black sky. She smiled faintly as she felt the cold wind blowing around her, still she felt warmer than in hours.

She remember him saying 'I love you' for the first time and smiled more. Looking down at the waves she made her decision.

He slammed his fist to the nearest tree and screamed in pain. Helplessly crying he closed his eyes and fell to the ground, remembering her delicious freckles and her whispering his real name in his ear lovingly.

_  
And the wind blows through my heart  
Shivers me one last time  
As I now reach out in the dark  
No one there_


End file.
